It's nearly impossible to explain what I feel at this stage in my second accidental pregnancy, but this is where I try. I have gone over and over the events in my life that brought me here, twice. The actions and lack of actions cause most to shake their head in disbelief. Believe me, I am shaking my head right along with them.
If you are unfamiliar with my story here it is in a nutshell. I had my first child in 2014 in the middle of an unhealthy marraige. After seperating with my now Ex husband I became pregnant in a short lived relationship. I placed that baby with her family October 2017 through the process and blessing of adoption. I am still a single mom just trying to figure out life and love after so many unexpected things.
My adoption experience in 2017 taught me so much! It taught me sacrifice, selfless love and an inner strength I never imagined I could have. I learned to trust my instincts and fight for my children when certain parties didn't agree. I gained a second family and a self respect I may not have found otherwise. Through choosing adoption I faced questions of why and I'm hoping this post can answer those questions.
Even with all the positive that came from placing Juniper in 2017, I've come to realize it didnt cure all my flawed decision making. I thought wisdom and control in my intimate relationships was among the lessons learned, but in August of 2018 another positive pregnacy test found its way into my hands. Shame and embarrasment filled me first, then fear and confusion followed them with hearbreak. Joy and excitement weren't among the emotions this time around, very much like my other pregnancies. I have conducted my life in a way that each positive test has only brought panic! These negative emotions surrounding pregnancy are ones I am very familiar with. Some may say that's dark and sad but the truth is the truth. I haven't had the stability a baby requires and deserves.
My opinions about what children need and deserve in the home are not everyones' opinions and I understand that, but until I find a positive test in my hand while in a healthy marraige where my husband and I are committed to eachother and the success of our baby, I won't feel that excitement. I can't pretend playing house is enough for a child. I won't let the fun and cute anticipation of a baby cloud my judgement of what is actually best. Long term success and happiness for a child requires two parents in the home. I don't have that, the father doesn't have that, but there are plenty of deserving couples who do!
I'm sure all of this sounds harsh but I can say it because I've been on both sides. I kept a baby when I knew her parents wouldn't be together and I placed one with an incredible couple able to provide that stability. Each of my kids are perfect! They each have all the potential in the world to succeed but I am raw and genuine when I say the baby I placed has the home life and parental dynamic all kids deserve. My first daughter is with her dad half the week and then me half the week. That is a different enviroment and parenting style on constant rotation. No one can tell me that is best or healthy for a young heart and mind. No one can say that torn feeling between mom and dad doesn't affect her. I know because I face it daily. I see the pain in my child's face when she has to leave her dad to come with me or leave me to go with her dad. I feel responsible and even though I wouldn't trade her for the world I wish every second things were defferent for her.
I completely understand and empathize with those who have faced divorce and that is now the reality for their children. I am a statistic of divorce after all. Sometimes it's necessary. However, I am 23 weeks pregnant. I have the chance and time to change that reality for this baby just as I did with my second baby. I have the opportunity now to give this baby everything he deserves. I can't help but follow all these feelings up with the obvious truth that I have demonstrated irresponsibility in a big way with all three of my pregnancies. I have been wreckless with human life and the very least I can do is conscider better options going forward.
This is blunt, but having sex does not qualify you for parenthood. Making a baby is the easy part almost anyone can do but it does not mean you are ready or deserving to parent. Self control and building a healthy home life BEFORE having sex does. Preparation, dedication and intent make parents. I don't feel anymore deserving to parent this baby than a stranger on the street. Yes, having a newborn is so indescribably wonderful, being the one and only for that child is an amazing thing. However, the minute I chose to neglect safety options or abstinence in an uncommited relationship, this stopped being about me.
I am not here to condemn those who have parented from a similar situation. I am just sharing my opinion and feelings about my own hand in bringing innocent spirits to this world.
So why am I choosing to parent?
It takes two to tango. Both parents have rights.
As much as I already love this sweet baby; that love, for me, doesn't translate to keeping him and continuing to struggle to provide in hopes of one day getting it together. It doesn't mean dropping him off with a state funded facility 40 hours a week for a stranger to raise. The love God naturally gives mothers doesn't mean ignoring the facts. The facts are, I have to work full time to make ends meet. I am no where near remarraige or offering a complete family for my kids. The option for me to stay home and help delevop his talents and self worth won't be on the table for a long time. The time I will have with him is even less because I"ll be spliting it with his dad. The father has to work full time and is in similar circumstances.
Even though I feel one way, love translates different for everyone. Love, to him, may mean facing the struggle. It may mean finding peace with split parent time for the next 18 years. That love may mean focusing on what is good and fun about parenting. The difference in opinion is what makes this hard.
My feelings about this have been taken in all sorts of ways. I have heard I am selfish, I have been accused of just not wanting him and I have been asked why I am "taking it out on the baby." On the contrary, I am sincerely wanting what is best for him, even if that means it's not with me.
The past five months have been difficult. The past five months have brought justifications and acceptance for some things and just further confusion for others. The nine months it takes to bring a baby to the world forces you to take a good hard look at who you are and what you really have to offer. I have had the chance to bring this process to fruition three times and each time I have seen what I lack. I have also seen my potential as a mother. I have seen strengths and felt hope in one day having what I want, but even then I am overcome with the knowledge that adoption isn't my choice, it's God's. It is beautiful and beneficial for anyone blessed enough to be involved.
I have consistently had a hard time taking the option of adoption off the table and despite my strong stance, I know I can and will rise to the occasion of parenting. I will make the very most of the time I have with him and I know he will be exuisite!
I may feel one way people don't understand and that is okay because I know it is with my child's best interest at heart. The father may feel a way I don't understand but in time the gap will be bridged. The outcome will make sense and more valuable life lessons will be learned.
I love all my kids very much! I feel the way I feel because I love them. Bringing babies to this world is a special calling that I have come to accept. I truly believe there are bigger things at play and they will be made known to me in time. I don't get affected by opinions of others or lack of understanding because this is not about how people see me. This is about these children and their future. I am prepared to find peace with the results of my actions and as I move forward may I always focus on the bigger picture, and birth control. ;) A little humor to lighten the heaviness of this post... :/
I have debated keeping all of these things to myself but I need to face it in order to move on from the negative emotional reprocussions of a repeat mistake. I understand how huge it is but life is long and I have felt the mercies of God and support of so many loved ones.
As the due date nears I pray for understanding. I pray that this sweet boy knows I love him. I am sure of his need to be here and even from an unplanned beginning that his life will be everything he deserves.