I have been trying to write my birth story for weeks! I want to share the sweetness that was that experience, but I still can't seem to put it in words. So as I am staring at my blank draft that I keep opening, closing and reopening and again closing, I think it is time to actually put words down.
The birth story will have to wait. I believe that part of this journey will unveil itself when I am ready. Until then I want to share a short letter I wrote to my baby before I had her. In the moments making this difficult decision I didn't think anyone would understand. The only spirit I wanted to talk to about it was the precious child growing inside me. Once I wrote to her I had an extra degree of peace. Deciding something this huge is personal and not meant to be understood by everyone. You cannot expect or wait for anyone to understand. You just need to know you can trust your heart and look to yourself for confirmation. I had to develop the trust in myself to pursue my feelings. I believe this letter helped me feel the understanding I needed in that time.
Here is the letter I wrote in May before I even met the couple I chose to adopt my baby.
May 2, 2017
You are coming to me in an unexpected time. I know you are special and deserve the best life. It breaks my heart to know I cannot give you that right now because of my mistakes that created the circumstances I am in. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I can do this or if I even want to try. I know what I need to do and I'm scared. I hope you can feel my love for you and know the option I am going to choose is what will be best for you. God has a plan for each of us and as the person honored to bring you here I feel that I am just that.. the person who will bring you to the family God intends for you. I haven't found them yet but I feel God showing me the path to find them!
Years will pass and you will always be a part of me. I want you to know I am not making this decision lightly or without Heavenly Father by my side. You are perfect sweet angel and I will be strong for you through this. Just grow healthy and strong and when I meet you I know I will feel a comfort in this choice. You deserve the world!"
After writing this I pressed on with my promise to my child. Now that she is 2 1/2 months old I reread that with a peace for how it all became what I prayed for.
I have been in touch with other birth moms who are too seeking the strength and understanding to press forward. I want to say that our Heavenly Father does not, and will not mess around with the tender process of adoption. He will guide you and make sure you are taking each step you need to take. I pray for you in this difficult time. Each situation is unique and you deserve to feel validated! If you find yourself in need please reach out! This is a time of great stress. Give yourself the time to listen to your instincts.
This letter made me feel that my baby knew I was doing this out of love. I felt that she would understand and appreciate my sacrifice for her. I continued to write to her throughout the pregnancy and I know it turned those lonely moments into times of strength. I can look back to those letters and know I made the choice I was meant to make.
To my fellow birth moms: Keep faith that you will make the right decision! You will be lead to peace in the plan. My heart is with you!
I look forward to writing the upcoming posts! Thank You to all the readers and supporters! Adoption changes so many lives and I am intensely grateful for the way it has changed my life!