The nine months of pregnancy is full of an aray of emotions. I would have never thought placing my baby for adoption would be among them.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my second baby. I was in a very new and different relationship than I had with my first child's father although both were a struggle. I had actually broken it off with him hours before we found out. I knew he was not the one for me and things were not right in my life. The waters were pretty murky as I was still in the process of getting divorced. As unproud of myself as I am of this time in my life, I feel that sharing the overcoming of it may aid in the healing process. I wasn`t public about my pregnancy, not because I was ashamed of my baby, but because adoption is a very personal decision and I needed to rely on my own feeling and the promptings of the spirit instead of the worlds opinions. Now that all has gone the way it has I can share in confidence.
So there I was, in a run down gas station bathroom in Mesquite, Nevada with a positive pregnancy test. I was literally thinking my life could not get any lower than that moment. Yes, I had experienced the joy of motherhood. Yes, I had known the love of a precious new baby. My first daughter was 2 1/2 at the time and was already being shuffled back and forth between me and her dad. The pain of seeing that broke my heart and knowing I was unhappy with the second baby's father only meant I would have a repeat situation. Two precious babies with broken homes and different dads and the stress their lives would have because of the back and forth was just too much for me to bear. Not that I am condeming anyone who's circumstances I just described, but I knew that was not what I wanted for this second baby if I could help it. I was clearly a mess at the time and our breif relationship had never been more unhealthy.
So we returned to Utah from three weeks trying to make money in California and even though I had broken up with him on the ride home, (the fact that I trapped myself in a car for nine hours with the guy I had just broken up with doesn't speak well to my mental stability at the time) I thought I should try to make it work for this baby's sake.
He proposed. I said yes.
That lasted a few weeks before I just couldn't move forward another day with the wrong person in the wrong circumstances.
**I would just like to say, to anyone out there who is in an unhealthy relationship and gets pregnant, YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY WITH THAT PERSON! It is unfortunate, yes. But bringing an innocent baby into an already toxic relationship is not you doing what is best for that baby. There are other options. You can get a fresh start for yourself and an even better future for your baby. I almost "just hung in there" because we were pregnant but this is 2017, you do not have to stay. You are not helping that baby if you are in a bad way so if this is you then there is time to consider a healthier option for all parties involved. I can't tell you how grateful I am everyday that I let go of that obligation to make it work. If it is unhealthy now, a baby does not fix it!! You are not alone, there are so many amazing supports to help you out of that situation. I am very passionate about this because it was me nine months ago and oh how incredible my journey has been since realizing I have the choice. If you need advice or support you can definitely contact me!**
So back to the story. We broke things off and I moved out of town ASAP.
Once we had broken up I gained so much perspective, my heart and mind immediately knew adoption was the right choice for me and the sweet baby that was coming. I knew that if I got started early with the process I could find the right family and build a relationship with them for an ideal open adoption. I fiddled around with the idea of a closed adoption but knowing very closely individuals who were adopted in a closed adoption, I knew the pains associated. I knew that knowing the background and who I was would help this little one progress in a healthy way.
I began browsing different adoption sights in hopes of getting "the feeling" about a family. Profile after profile didn't feel right. Finally I just entered my email in a random "Would you like to be contacted for more information" section on the web site. Honestly it was that easy because things took off from there!
A few weeks had passed by, I got moved and found an incredible job, my divorce was finalized and things had been going smooth. That series of good things happening in my life confirmed that my decision to place my baby was right. I was contacted by my agency and as nervous and uncomfortable as I was to meet with them, I did. Something this right propels you to step outside your comfort zone. I promised myself I would be brave for this sweet baby and by some miracle, I was. After my first meeting with the agency director, which was a sweet experience, I was contacted by my case worker-- Both of which have become my close, dear friends.
I spoke with my case worker for about an hour on the phone about why I had chosen adoption and what my feelings and hopes were moving forward. I felt so good just being honest and supported in my choice.
I had been experiencing some heavy guilt for wanting to place my baby for adoption. I felt horrible for allowing myself to get in this situation. I thought maybe I was being selfish for wanting to move on in my life as well as not having what I wanted to offer the baby, which was a healthy whole family. Talking with my case worker helped relieve the guilt and see that I am not being a bad mother or person for wanting something different for me and my baby. I knew I couldn't survive without a full time job and that meant dropping both my babies off at daycare for eight hours a day five days a week. I already had heart ache from taking my first baby to daycare. Why not seek out a better option for my second?
Once we were through talking she said a list of profiles would be on their way! I was so nervous but excited to start my search.
I will end here as it is a long journey and I will post in segments.
The second segment I will share about the family. How I chose them, the emotions of it all and how our relationship grew to what it is now.
I sincerely appreciate all who read this and all the love and understanding I have received this past week since placement of my sweet baby.