I want to Quit!

What I Learned Today is one of the toughest lessons to take action on and I know it will be familiar to many of my readers. Today I was organizing my thoughts for this post and I was listening to a great podcast where I was learning so much and was getting so excited to share. (which I will soon.)
But then... guess who paid me an unwelcome visit? It was a full house this afternoon.
Fear came to visit!
Imposter Syndrome dropped by!
Doubt overstayed its welcome! 
Embarrassment is still sitting next to me on the couch!
Worrying about what people think even knocked and I answered!
And worst of all my visitors was the old Shannell, the quitter.
I wanted to quit! Already! How lame is that you guys? I knew this feeling was inevitable but come on, give me a week of courage at least! Writing is my dream and it makes me happy and I am letting myself feel like this isn't right for me? I felt so motivated to do this for months and actually took action yesterday, and yet 24 hours later I will convince myself it doesn't matter anymore? I will consider shutting it down?

I don't think so! Today I learned what it takes! I am kicking them all out right now, I am moving and not leaving a forwarding address! I will be living a life where they can't find me! But how?
It is so common for everyone to feel this way and it is just plain silliness!
No more of it! (Lots of exclamation points on this one!)

I know anyone who has ever done anything ever has had this battle. We all learned to walk and talk, read, use google, kiss someone, cook and function in life. Until we did those things for the first time, we feared we wouldn't succeed. Luckily, many of these things happened before we bought into the idea that we aren't good enough to potty in a big girl potty or we don't deserve to tie our shoes. See how funny it is to think that if we let this cloud of self doubt in as toddlers some of us would still be in diapers. It is no different now to keep trying until you get it right, whether it's a business, weight loss, a relationship; all these things are scary at first. Everything is new until it isn't. So yeah, I feel so inadequate to share any of my own thoughts, feelings or experiences but guess what? That is a lie! I am coming from a place of good intention. I have genuine desire to develop a skill in writing and find my own healing through my words. Why in this world would I ever doubt that it is a worthy endeavor? Let me just put it this way, I really want to become potty trained!(Metaphorically of course:) I won't ever be out of pull-ups if I don't try!
So when I say I want to quit, it is not because I don't love to write and explore my potential in this space, it's because of this thing we all do. We let self doubt trickle into our self image, our work, relationships, finances and there are a million other not so generic things I can add to that list. I am speaking to men and women. WE ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE! We all should feel like whatever form of expression feeds our souls is always good enough. Will I reach a million readers, probably not, but even if the only reader is myself during editing, well then that should fulfill me. It will if I am truly doing this for the right reasons. You will know if your reasons are sincere if what you are pursuing is the calling of your soul. I need to be true to my inner fire regardless of audience size or outer approval. 

So back to the lesson. I think what hit me today was how necessary it is for me to build a BIG GIANT WALL around my why. Why I love to write, why I am doing this particular blog and why I will hold my ground when challenged about it. There is such power in having a foundation to support your dreams. My dream is to be a moving writer. Period. My dream is not to have a million readers or a million friends or even the approval from anyone to do it. My dream is to create a place for my expression, a canvas to say what I want and need to say, how I want and need to say it. 

So then why post it if all I want to do it write?
I asked myself this question a thousand times as I considered a new blog. I battled with my desire to share it publicly because to me, that meant I just wanted attention or notoriety, but I worked through my fear of being disingenuous and finally chose to share it.
The conclusion I came to is this; I am a strong advocate of sharing your journey, always have been. I think God or the Universe or whatever higher power you believe in lays way for individual trials in our lives to strengthen us, for us to then go help strengthen others through our experience. I have been moved and shifted permanently through the stories and over-comings of those around me. I know if they worried about not opening up about their lives, so many would have missed out on the lesson they had to share. It is HUGE to be an example to those searching for hope.

There is power in vulnerability and the key to human connection is allowing the barriers to be broken down. I am here to do just that. Not every post will be about me, I promise. I want to share big ideas and cultures from around the world to help open up doors to paths you may not have seen before. 

I watch so many dreamers in so many different spaces take action and I know for sure they face the same "second day terror" I am feeling today. Part of what makes action on this lesson so difficult is accepting that the fear will return day after day, week after week. The difference between a successful person and an unsuccessful one is the ability to overcome that little devil in you saying you have nothing to offer. The lesson here is to give the finger to anything or anyone that isn't cheering you on. I have been lucky to have very close examples of people overcoming their own doubts and finding true joy in success on the other side of it. I have great people helping potty train me. Okay that is the last potty metaphor, for today. I think it gets my point across - haha!

So this was not the post I planned to write but I promised myself I would be open to change and honor what needs to be said. This is what spoke to me today.
If you get anything out of what I have said, let it be this:
You are here for a reason and it's not to just fill a seat. You need to stand tall on that seat and scream at the top of your lungs that you are here, you deserve to reach for the stars and you're not going anywhere but up! 
​Don't let yourself quit on the second day!!!

Thank you for joining me! I hope you learned something like I did or at least enjoyed a review.
See you tomorrow for another daily lesson. 
​XO