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Shannell renae stewartauthor, REIKI practitioner and Open Adoption Advocate
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I am a single mom and a birth mom. I placed a precious baby girl for adoption October 6, 2017 exactly 24 hours after giving birth and then again May 3, 2019 when I brought a sweet baby boy into the world. I initially created this blog to start an empowering network for women. Now, I am seeing I may be blessed to reach the adoption community as well as educate and empower all kinds of people through Identity Therapy as I also journey through healing. I want to share my story to help relate to those facing a life transition of any capacity and help bring them to a place of enlightenment and restored motivation in their journey.
So a little bit more about me and what brought me here.
I grew up in a small town in southern Utah. Unfortunately, for me, with a small town came a small-thinking mindset in the sense that I did nothing to expand my knowledge or grow my understanding of life outside high school. It wasn't until I moved out for college that I faced real trials. I was a 'Yes Man,' a pushover. Most of what happened in my early 20's was natural consequences from self inflicted "life lessons." Because I catered to others feelings instead of listening to myself and what was best for me, I stopped growing as an individual and lost any desire to do so. My decision making suffered, therefore I suffered. Over the span of 5 years I faced things I could have never expected. This is not a "poor me" story, it is a story of making changes and overcoming set backs. Natural consequences are going to come from each decision we make. I chose for too long to just lay in the bed I made for myself. I thought it was noble to suffer, a mindset that came with plenty of pain but eventually propelled me into some exponential personal growth.
I am here to tell you that God or whatever higher power you believe in, did not build this life and existence to have us just sit in the messes we make for ourselves. We were created with the inner strength to overcome the human wounds and pull ourselves from the mess.
If I have learned anything it has been to find the qualities given to me and expand myself to come out of the darkness into a place of self-acceptance and light.
So how did I arrive to this from 8 years of downward spiral?
It finally just came down to me being so sick of myself, and the choice I made to let others dictate my life. I believe God put me here with a soft, tender heart and instead of using that in positive ways I had let it turn me into the victim. I never felt that my opinions or needs were worth it or important enough to be voiced over someone else's. I was too afraid of contention to stand up for myself. I had spiraled to the point of what I considered the Rock Bottom of who I let myself become. When you stop trusting yourself to make good decisions for your life you lose sight of reasons to go on. I had completely forfeited my ability to control my life and the outcome. I stopped seeing myself as worth the fight. I had become a hollow shell of who I used to be and I knew it, but didn't know how to overcome it, or if it was even worth trying.
The sad part was, I had tangled myself up in a dependency to lying to myself that I was happy-- that I was content. I had buried myself in justifications. Looking back now, I was the only one who believed my lies. I had built a vicious cycle of self destruction, a pattern of behavior that caused me to ruin life long friendships, turn my back on genuine relationships and burn bridges where I knew I would be drowning without them.
I let the cycle run wild until I looked down at the first positive pregnancy test. At that point in my life I had no money, mid--divorce, I was a single parent and had absolutely no prospects for steps to improvement. The relationship I found myself in was an ongoing struggle. Finding out I was pregnant propelled me to turn one degree in the right direction, toward my true self! I took the steps to find the answers I needed and adoption was that answer. That experience offered so much growth for me but I was still in that self sabotage mindset. I hadn't made big enough leaps yet. I thought I had overcome the hardest part and settled with being comfortable now that the chaos was over.
Nope!
I again, 10 months later, found my circumstances and decisions lead me to a second accidental pregnancy. I was not sure that I could parent and I felt strongly that the father was unable to accept his limitations. I searched my heart for answers and again felt that I was meant to place my third baby for adoption.
I have since made very big and very permanent changes in my life that have only opened new doors to who I truly am. I feel that I was lead to my soul purpose of emotional healing and the practice of helping others find self love. I was who I was because I did not see my own value and sexual validation ruled my relationships.
I share each chapter specific to the Open Adoptions in the Adoption blog section of this website.
I was so blessed to have the incredible people placed in my life that made all the difference in both extreme situations.
Then during COVID I was laid off and forced to look within and through all the struggles I had already endured, this time of self reflection was the hardest and most sobering. I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did and it effected my healthy relationship to the point it ended. Again, I was starting over and realizing I had even more to learn and grow from. My fight against Codependency began. I am now inspired to share that part of my journey and all the aspects that contribute to healthy relationships vs. codependent ones. Maintaining Autonomy it vital in feeling fulfilled and whole so as I expand my purpose on here I hope to use my reiki training and holistic healing modalities to help individuals keep themselves grounded while navigating relationships.
I think that is the beauty of this story, the right people, the ones who loved me, never gave up on me. They were and still are cheering me on as I make the climb and Reclaim the true Shannell.
There is incredible beauty in defending yourself and the special gifts you possess. I would not have gone through with my adoptions or my personal transformation had I not honored my feelings and now I know for certain I have made the right decisions to reclaiming all of my divinity as a woman.
I hope to build a loving community filled with diverse perspectives and goals!
Thank You for being here, Love and Light!
So a little bit more about me and what brought me here.
I grew up in a small town in southern Utah. Unfortunately, for me, with a small town came a small-thinking mindset in the sense that I did nothing to expand my knowledge or grow my understanding of life outside high school. It wasn't until I moved out for college that I faced real trials. I was a 'Yes Man,' a pushover. Most of what happened in my early 20's was natural consequences from self inflicted "life lessons." Because I catered to others feelings instead of listening to myself and what was best for me, I stopped growing as an individual and lost any desire to do so. My decision making suffered, therefore I suffered. Over the span of 5 years I faced things I could have never expected. This is not a "poor me" story, it is a story of making changes and overcoming set backs. Natural consequences are going to come from each decision we make. I chose for too long to just lay in the bed I made for myself. I thought it was noble to suffer, a mindset that came with plenty of pain but eventually propelled me into some exponential personal growth.
I am here to tell you that God or whatever higher power you believe in, did not build this life and existence to have us just sit in the messes we make for ourselves. We were created with the inner strength to overcome the human wounds and pull ourselves from the mess.
If I have learned anything it has been to find the qualities given to me and expand myself to come out of the darkness into a place of self-acceptance and light.
So how did I arrive to this from 8 years of downward spiral?
It finally just came down to me being so sick of myself, and the choice I made to let others dictate my life. I believe God put me here with a soft, tender heart and instead of using that in positive ways I had let it turn me into the victim. I never felt that my opinions or needs were worth it or important enough to be voiced over someone else's. I was too afraid of contention to stand up for myself. I had spiraled to the point of what I considered the Rock Bottom of who I let myself become. When you stop trusting yourself to make good decisions for your life you lose sight of reasons to go on. I had completely forfeited my ability to control my life and the outcome. I stopped seeing myself as worth the fight. I had become a hollow shell of who I used to be and I knew it, but didn't know how to overcome it, or if it was even worth trying.
The sad part was, I had tangled myself up in a dependency to lying to myself that I was happy-- that I was content. I had buried myself in justifications. Looking back now, I was the only one who believed my lies. I had built a vicious cycle of self destruction, a pattern of behavior that caused me to ruin life long friendships, turn my back on genuine relationships and burn bridges where I knew I would be drowning without them.
I let the cycle run wild until I looked down at the first positive pregnancy test. At that point in my life I had no money, mid--divorce, I was a single parent and had absolutely no prospects for steps to improvement. The relationship I found myself in was an ongoing struggle. Finding out I was pregnant propelled me to turn one degree in the right direction, toward my true self! I took the steps to find the answers I needed and adoption was that answer. That experience offered so much growth for me but I was still in that self sabotage mindset. I hadn't made big enough leaps yet. I thought I had overcome the hardest part and settled with being comfortable now that the chaos was over.
Nope!
I again, 10 months later, found my circumstances and decisions lead me to a second accidental pregnancy. I was not sure that I could parent and I felt strongly that the father was unable to accept his limitations. I searched my heart for answers and again felt that I was meant to place my third baby for adoption.
I have since made very big and very permanent changes in my life that have only opened new doors to who I truly am. I feel that I was lead to my soul purpose of emotional healing and the practice of helping others find self love. I was who I was because I did not see my own value and sexual validation ruled my relationships.
I share each chapter specific to the Open Adoptions in the Adoption blog section of this website.
I was so blessed to have the incredible people placed in my life that made all the difference in both extreme situations.
Then during COVID I was laid off and forced to look within and through all the struggles I had already endured, this time of self reflection was the hardest and most sobering. I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did and it effected my healthy relationship to the point it ended. Again, I was starting over and realizing I had even more to learn and grow from. My fight against Codependency began. I am now inspired to share that part of my journey and all the aspects that contribute to healthy relationships vs. codependent ones. Maintaining Autonomy it vital in feeling fulfilled and whole so as I expand my purpose on here I hope to use my reiki training and holistic healing modalities to help individuals keep themselves grounded while navigating relationships.
I think that is the beauty of this story, the right people, the ones who loved me, never gave up on me. They were and still are cheering me on as I make the climb and Reclaim the true Shannell.
There is incredible beauty in defending yourself and the special gifts you possess. I would not have gone through with my adoptions or my personal transformation had I not honored my feelings and now I know for certain I have made the right decisions to reclaiming all of my divinity as a woman.
I hope to build a loving community filled with diverse perspectives and goals!
Thank You for being here, Love and Light!
