A Few Initials and a Signature

Brek's Birth Story Part 2

What can I say about a few initials and a signature. Flipping over pages of cold, legally worded paragraphs outlining what I was giving up, what I was letting go of. How much can I describe the quiet in the room with only the sound of turning pages and all eyes on my right hand signing away my legal guardianship over my son. Two years ago today, 24 hours after birth I was relinquishing my parental rights, again.
I had done this once before and I was strong and steady through it all.
Not this time.
I was saying goodbye to him in ways I couldn't get back. There was no changing my mind after this. I didn't doubt that what I was doing was the right thing for him but knowing that didn't make it any easier. Tears were rolling down my face as my case worker read each acknowledgement of my choice to place him for adoption. Each phrase stating very clearly that this was binding and I would no longer be involved or responsible for decisions made on his behalf. I would no longer have influence or a part in his special little existence. The words stung as I put my blue ink pen to paper to say okay, I agree. I was agreeing to completely remove myself and give another mother the freedom to raise him. I imagined the mother I chose nurturing him, snuggling with him and raising him in her home creating memories I didn't get to have. Of course it was painful, selfishly I wanted all of that for myself.
The finality of it was very rattling. My senses were on overload realizing it was almost official and he would go home with his parents. Even saying that sometimes is crazy to me. Just like that he is no longer a part of my body and no longer a part of my life.
Labor and delivery has its own set of hard emotions and this time I felt very happy through delivery but the relinquishment of my rights took me down a different path with Brek more so than Juniper. It is still ironic how the experiences were the same in so many ways and yet so unique and distinct in my mind. The surreal and special moments are engraved in my  mind with each baby. They both brought with them an incredible spirit of resilience and strength. I remember being in awe at the sense of peace I felt while I held each of them for the first and last time as their mother. 
I am very glad I took a little time with each of them and felt no doubt in my decisions. I know it was because there were greater forces at play and the families that were chosen, not by me but by some higher plan, were meant to be there. The dedication and love as parents was so apparent to me in the hospital as it all unfolded. I know they had the capacity to love and offer stability in ways I couldn't at the time.
So with every initial, every signature, and definitive phrase--I was allowing that plan to happen. I wanted nothing more than the best chance for these children to grow and thrive with attentive parents and complete, whole homes.
I used to wonder if I would have that to offer them shortly after placement and then feel guilty, regretful and sad but the truth is, that wouldn't matter! I am still not able to and so that helps me make even more sense of it but even if I did have that to give now, two and three years later, I know it was right then. I couldn't have had the strength to relinquish my rights as a mother if it weren't the absolute right thing to do.
Now, two years later my heart is so full seeing Brek grow and smile ear to ear in photos and during visits. I am grateful most for open adoption and the ability to see both children happily with their families.
All three of my babies give me strength and hope in the greater picture of life.