I found them! The perfect family to adopt and love my sweet baby. So what now?
I was at the point in my pregnancy where I could find out the gender. I had purposely turned down the option to find out previously because I knew when I found the right couple I wanted to all find out together. I mean they were going to be this baby's whole world after all. I just thought why not include them in as much as I could.
The day I first met them I knew I had an upcoming appointment a week and a half later so I just put myself out there and invited them to come. I imagine it didn't quite feel real to them yet but they both so sweetly accepted. I was anxious at that time to get our next meeting on the calendar so we could start getting to know each other! The appointment was the perfect way to proceed
I remember the nerves leading up to that first appointment all together. I had no clue what to expect. Talk about vulnerability! We met at the doctors office and I was put at ease a bit when they came in with big smiles and obvious excitement. I hope I can accurately describe the dynamics of such a situation: Here I am only having briefly met this couple and yet we were about to share such an intimate life experience that would bring us together forever-- and I'm referring to the adoption, not the appointment haha.
So how do we begin? Do we start with the weather or get right down to the personals? Luckily I picked the most socially smooth people I have ever met so in spite of my awkward babbling we managed to carry on conversation. I remember feeling like every topic of discussion had to lead back to the fact that I did not mean for my life to be this way and that I was embarrassed. I had a heavy sense of remorse and wanted to make my true self known. It seemed so important they understood I was not proud of all of this. I look back now and they didn't need that from me nearly as much as I thought they did, if at all. Being pregnant has its own set of vulnerabilities and then adding to that an unplanned pregnancy and the feeling of needing to explain myself was so overwhelming. Especially since we were about to head into a doctors appointment. The nurse called my name and Chelsey, Christian, their case worker and myself all stood up. Her eyes were huge with surprise at the unusual size of my entourage.
On top of all these firsts, I had actually never met the doctor before! Whew! What a morning! Since I had moved to the area just one month prior, I had only seen the nurse in that office. It would either be a good surprise or not good surprise to find out what the doctor was like. I was praying for one sensitive to our situation. The doctor came in and Heavenly Father had yet again beautifully delivered. Dr. Pace was the most personable, sweet and understanding doctor I had ever met. He took the time to talk with me about my feelings and choice for adoption and was so supportive of me, Christian and Chelsey. The vulnerability feeling I was having kind of turned into security knowing there were people who admired my decision.
As the check up started, my heart finally started to calm down! I was just thinking 'so far so good!' When the time came to hear the baby's heartbeat, my heart rate went right back up! I had tried to prepare myself to be open and okay with as much involvement as my adoptive couple wanted. They were so sweet to mention they hadn't any preferences but that they would go with the flow of what I wanted. I lifted my shirt to expose my baby bump and immediately felt silly. I was doing this because I believed the parents of this tiny spirit should experience all these precious moments. I reminded myself what I felt was best and the peace came. Dr. Pace was wonderful! He let Christian use the doppler and find the baby's heartbeat on his own. I did not feel as uncomfortable as one may assume I would in that scenario. What a tender and surreal sound coming from that monitor! I think tears welled up in all our eyes. Even though I had moments of feeling sheepish showing my tummy to essentially a room full of strangers--I am so grateful I had the guts to do it. It would only get worse after that anyway! I wouldn't have wanted to rob any of us of that precious first heartbeat. What came next was even more solidifying that God was bringing a divine family together!
We were given an ultrasound order! I was so so glad we were all going together. I met them at the hospital to now see the perfection we had just heard. I was so happy my awkwardness had mostly gone away by that point. We went in and began the ultrasound. As we saw the head, spine, fingers and tiny toes my emotions were in full swing. Externally I kept pretty calm but seeing what had just been a conversation piece and lots of nausea up until that moment overcame me. She was real! She had a heart, eyes, lips!
I promised myself I would process my feelings as they came and when the technician said "It's a girl" my first and immediate feeling was jealousy. I knew what special spirits baby girls have. I was wishing I felt like I should keep her so my Haven could have a sister. I felt such a hunger for things in my life to be different so I could feel like I could keep her. As I felt each emotion, my selfish thoughts were interrupted when I glanced over at Chelsey holding Christians hand with tears in her eyes. I watched her look at him and him at her while their baby girl was moving on the screen. The purest level of love filled that tiny, cold, dark room until I felt physically warm. I knew without a doubt the spirit was there to comfort me and bring me peace in my decision and my emotions. I just remember smiling with gratitude that I already knew the love they had for her. A precious baby girl was on her way to them!
I took the next few days to continue processing all the feelings I had since seeing her. I know now that the things I felt were normal and healthy. I felt sadness, anger, lots of jealousy and even tried to find reasons maybe I was wrong about adoption. I wasn't wrong though. God does not play around with adoption and my feelings early on were exactly right. I worked through those things in the next couple days by remembering the initial reasons I chose aoption and reminding myself my foundation hadn't changed. I was still a single mom, I still had to work full-time and I still knew co-parenting with her biological father would not be the healthiest for her. Along with that I read back to my journal about the day I met her parents and the sincere joy I felt choosing them. I had been given so many little signs. I resolved those things and pressed forward in faith.
The journey continued with some surprises and amazing miracles. I can't wait to share each part of this blessing in disguise! Thank You again to all those who have reached out! I feel incredibly humbled by the love and support! I feel my Saviors plan for me unfolding.